What is a suitable partner?

As I said before, the first prerequisite for a successful, happy and fulfilling relationship is a suitable partner. But what on earth do I mean by that, how do you find one and when you do, how do you know he or she is suitable?

A suitable partner is someone you can accept unconditionally without requiring them to change, and vice versa. That’s because a person can only truly relax, enjoy life and bring something of value to the party when they are free to be exactly who they are, warts and all.

Let’s say, for example, you’re a gay man. Well obviously number one on your list of requirements in a suitable partner is that the other person be another gay man. Now let’s say your abiding passion is tennis and you hate football. Obviously you are not going to be happy with someone who wants to spend the whole weekend watching football and then wants to go out as soon as Wimbledon comes on the telly.

OK, it sounds ridiculously obvious but you’d be amazed how many people I come across who think they can get their partner to change and put all their effort into that, and almost always in vain. Nobody can nag another into loving football, tennis or any other leisure time or work activity if they are patently not interested. And if the other tries to go along with what their partner wants them to do or be when their heart is not in it, this only leads to resentment and stress on both sides.

The best way to identify and find a suitable partner that I have discovered is to write a list. I posted a piece in February about how to do that which you can refer back to, so I’m not going to repeat it now, save to reiterate it’s powerful and it works, so don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you want, no more, no less, because that’s exactly what you will get. And be scrupulously honest with yourself.

Good luck…

 

 

Relationships need not be difficult…

This may seem obvious but it needs saying because it comes up over and over again, if you want to have a great relationship of the romantic kind, the first requisite is to find a suitable partner.

The reason is simple: people don’t change, no matter how much you might want them to, indeed no matter how much they might want to change themselves, and if you cannot accept your partner unconditionally for who they are, and vice versa, that will impose an intolerable strain.

Sometimes it might appear that someone has changed, for example a covert, introverted, secretive person begins to open up and start sharing what’s in their heart, but what has really happened is that they have realized what they are doing and decided to drop their defensive exterior shell and found the courage to be who they really are instead of being a sham. They get real and start to show who they really were all along.

If you can’t relax and be yourself because you feel your partner wants you to change something fundamental in yourself, you’ll always be on edge, perhaps being on your best behaviour, perhaps you try to be a pleaser, whatever. The upshot is that this nearly always leads to resentment on both sides. That’s a shame if you are looking for fulfillment and happiness in your life.

How to find a suitable partner, indeed how to know when someone is suitable? That’s another story which I’ll try to address in my next post.